Me, Now

My life is mostly fabulous. I try to pack a lot into my time and I think could my stories into a comic book alter ego – International Chica Fabulosa. Sometimes I do in my head.

But do I focus on all the wacky and wonderful adventures I have? Of course not! My thoughts are generally mundanely swirling around what I can next cross off my to-do list. I harp on why my weight, finances, apartment, insert concern X here, are not where I’d like them to be. If you spied on me at random, you’d probably see a clumsy spaz knocking things over or frantically trying to find a set of keys I JUST had or a pair of sunglasses that are sitting on my head.

Additionally, as a late-twenty-something who has been highly educated, but is perhaps still searching for the best way to apply her talents, I'm regularly plagued by angst, ennui, and almost quarterly existential crises. What am I doing? Where am I going? Why the hell am I not there yet?

But the truth is, most of the time, my life really is AWESOME. When I break it down, I really do love it. I've seen and done some really cool things and gone to some amazing places. I have a wonderful, supportive husband who helps calm me down when I'm in crazy-land. Both of our families rock. They’re all crazy, but they rock. And really I wouldn’t have in any other way. I have quirky, interesting friends and acquaintances that keep life busy and exciting. And definitely not to take it for granted, I have my health.

Really, my career is the elusive piece in my personal puzzle. It's not to say that I'm a slacker. Not at all. I really like working hard. I've been working in the film biz for quite a while now - pretty much from the moment I left the haven of my ivy covered Alma Matter. I never had any delusions that it would be easy; nevertheless, I have to admit, I thought I'd be a little farther down my road by now.

Maybe I've been thrown some curve balls (who hasn't been walloped a couple) and maybe things haven't gone exactly how I'd planned (when do they ever), but I suspect that one of the bigger factors standing in my path is that I'm not all that certain which way I want to go in this business. Do I want to continue down the producer road I started out to pursue. If so, which route to get there? Do I perhaps want to dabble in directing? The only genre I'm currently interested in directing would be documentaries. Art department looks fun too. Working the film fest circuit could be interesting. I also kind of miss the theatre . . .

Most of the time, I do think that this is the business I want to be in; however, I'll admit that my mind regularly cycles through a repertoire of alternative fantasy careers, most equally difficult to navigate: chef, food critic, nutritionist, travel writer. Or maybe I'd like to return to my road not taken - NGO's and non-profits. Should I go back to school? I do miss the structured path being in school provides. But what in? Seems pointless unless I really know what I want to do. Film school seems obvious, but again what route? Latin American Studies is a new comer to the list. But, um, what do you do with that? Law school has always taken regular spins around my brain. I could take up human rights or environmental law and actually help people. I also have the sense that a law degree protects you a little from that feeling of impotence you get when the world/people/life try to screw you. And maybe what I'd really love to be is a yoga instructor. That seems like a very pleasant life. Or, if Anthony Bourdain ever wants to give up No Reservations or just wants to take on a sidekick – I’d snap up that gig in a second. No matter what, the only thing that seems certain is that I'll never make much money. (Sorry, Honey - the burden rests on your shoulders if we're ever to be rich.)

So maybe I haven't figured out the whole career thing out yet. So what. You never know when life is going to come along and trample through the painstakingly crafted picture you’ve managed to put together, but one piece missing from the jigsaw puzzle at the quarter life mark ain't too shabby. (Actually, I'm closer to the third-of-the way marker, but whatever.) There has to be something to keep ya going, guessing, reaching, searching, I suppose.

That said, I coming up on the precipice on a big life upheaval. In a couple of months, G is going to be doing a study-abroad program in Sydney for four months through his B-school, and I’m going with him. (Ok, maybe I lobbied for it . . . just a little bit . . . heavily) Despite the clearly questionable logic of leaving a steady job in the middle of a recession (a factor I’m very aware of), it seems like an opportunity for us to have a major adventure together that might not come around again for a very long while. Additionally, it seems like a good time to take a step back and consider what’s next.

I’ve been considering that perhaps the best way to figure out that whole mess, is to not focus on that missing piece at all, with all of it’s daunting angst-causing questions. Maybe the thing to do is to focus on that other ¾ of my life for a change - that bigger part in all of its AWESOMENESS, and actually take note of how amazing and fun it actually is. (A somewhat cheesy revelation, I know, but I figure I’ll give this whole positivity thing a try anyways. Put good vibes into the world, breed good karma, and all that jazz. I’m not crossing into he realm of the Secret here – but you get it, yada, yada, yada) And maybe by doing that, the mess will sort itself out, or maybe at least I’ll get some kind of clue. Now seems like a good time to start and it seems like a good way to take note of it all, would be to record it – writing about it, sharing the occasional random musing, throw pics up, maybe video clips, whatever.

At the end of the day, the only thing I know I want to be is to be a collector of experiences -- of all kinds. I’ve already amassed a respectable collection. I’m hoping to make this my scrapbook from here on out. It is my attempt to reclaim all the cool stuff that gets nothing-muched away while I try to get a handle on everything else.

Now, enough with the cheese and on to the fun stuff.